My name is Brad. I am a writer, I am awkward in social situations, and I spend a lot of time in coffee shops trying to escape all of the terribly distracting things I find at home (video games, movies, tv, cats, comics, vitamin water, robots, etc.). I rotate amongst local coffee shops throughout the week so that no single location becomes too familiar with my presence. Spending any appreciable amount of time in one place is bound to make you privy to the occasional odd situation, but I have come to believe that coffee shops are breeding grounds for weird. The following is my account of the wonderfully weird and horribly awkward situations I have encountered.

Creepiest. Shirt. Ever.

I’m not one to start talking to people that I don’t know. Though some of that policy stems from my crippling lack of social skills, I also generally don’t like bothering and/or hitting on people as they do standard activities that shouldn’t involve fending off strangers. Getting coffee is one of those activities.
Some [...]

So, By… Gayness Then?

I overheard a Man who was, I believe, making the transition from digital to analog with a new friend that he met online…
Analog Man: “Well, you said there are some pictures that you look better in than in person… I happen to look better in some pictures than I do in person. You’d [...]

“From The Gay Movie?” “No, From Batman.”

Okay, so there is having little knowledge of pop culture, then there is just living under a rock…
Informative Man: “You know that guy, Heath Ledger? The actor?”

Carl from Up!

Nothing clever. This guy just looked like Carl, from the Pixar movie, “Up“. Being that this was at UCI, guys that looked like Russell were a dime a dozen.

I Wonder If They Notice When I Take My Laptop In There Too?

Did you know they track your time spent in the bathroom at Starbucks? Well, they do. And did you know caffeine is a natural laxative? Well, it is.
Baristo (to Barista): “He’d go in the bathroom for half an hour. This is a small place. If you’re not out here, we [...]

Tic-Tac-Cow.

Get it? The chair was leather?
Oh… you got it?
Why didn’t you laugh?
Yeah, you said it’s funny, but that’s not the same as laughing.
Oh, yeah… I guess so.

Lot Rage.

I am of the belief that when you get a parking spot, you should be able to leave at your leisure.
Well, Hummer Soccer Mom doesn’t agree.
After a woman purchased her coffee-related drink, she left. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard honking outside. The woman was sitting [...]

I Live My Life Trying To Avoid Situations Like This.

While getting my change from the Barista, my dollar accidentally dropped into the tip jar. There was an awkward exchange of glances. Though no words were spoken, the eye-conversation went like this…
Barista Eyes: “Should I leave it in there?”
Brad Eyes: “I’d rather have it back.”
Barista Eyes: “I can’t read your eyes very well. [...]

More Exclamations = More Success!!!!

Adam had a whole binder of success planned. The sad part is that Adam saw me taking a picture of his binder. He flipped it over to face away from me. I felt like a dick.