Revenge of the King Douche.
Coffee Shop: Irvine Starbucks @ Campus & California
Remember King Douche? Of course you do. Well, I ran into him again, and unfortunately the only open seat was at the study station next to him. Though I try to look beyond these sort of things, I should mention that King Douche is Persian. It’s relevant to the story because sitting directly across from me was an Attractive Studying Persian Girl. And if there is one thing I know about Persian guys, it’s that they will talk to any Persian girl within a 100 yard radius.
Now imagine King Douche speaks in the most overly confident, exaggerated, fake manner that he could conjure… because he does.
Now I must preface all of this by telling you that “The Arc” is the giant gym at UCI.
After showering Attractive Studying Persian Girl (A.S.P.G.) with a bit of flattery…
A.S.P.G.: “Do you go to the arc a lot?”
King Douche: “All the time. Do you?”
A.S.P.G.: “I used to go but my gym buddy disappeared.”
King Douche: “What!? My gym B.F.F. just quit on me! Let’s set a schedule!”
I realize that it’s a bit hard to fully grasp how douchey this sounds without hearing his inflection and insincerity, but you’re going to have to trust me. Anyhow, it went on…
King Douche: “Do you have Facebook?”
A.S.P.G.: “No.”
King Douche: “Oh?”
A.S.P.G.: “Someone took pictures off of my Facebook and made a YouTube video that was a montage of my pictures and it was called “Beautiful Pictures of Persian Girls”, but it was just me. It got like a million hits and my mom called me up screaming.”
King Douche: “Oh wow, that’s very humble. “I’m a beautiful sexy genius–” ”
A.S.P.G.: “No!! I’m just telling you!”
King Douche: “Do you consider yourself attractive?”
Long pause.
A.S.P.G.: “Well I don’t think I’m ugly.”
Up until this point it was all well and good. He was just pestering a girl that seemed to enjoy the attention and he’d temporarily avoided talking about “fucking retards”, but that’s when he did something that bothered me a lot. Not even in the regular socially awkward way that I’m usually bothered. This was the first time in all of my coffee-getting escapades that I was genuinely pissed at someone other than myself.
For context, I have to explain that I wear a somewhat unique watch. Not that it’s anything terribly interesting, it’s just a brand that few people would have heard of. Because I don’t particularly care to discuss my watch, for the purpose of this story we’ll call that brand Timeco (which may or may not be a fake brand. I don’t know.)
Anyhow, King Douche’s Less Douchey Friend (L.D.F.) walks up (wearing a Tag Heuer watch) and starts to talk to him about going to med school…
L.D.F: “It’s still expensive to go there.”
King Douche: “If you need money you could just sell your fake Tag Heuer. Is it fake? Wait, you don’t have to answer that.”
Despite what he’s just said, King Douche waits for an answer anyway. L.D.F. just laughs awkwardly. Then King Douche looks directly at me (while I’m wearing headphones)…
King Douche: “You know what real men wear?”
Long dramatic pause as he stares at me.
King Douche: “Real men wear… Timeco.”
That is when I broke the act that I wasn’t listening and glared at King Douche with my best WTF face. There wasn’t much I could do. No one else had any idea what he was talking about. To the L.D.F. and A.S.P.G. it just seemed like a useless piece of opinion. To me, it was an e-vite into the world of douche to be the douche jester for his majesty. I just went back to my work. Douchebag.
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Did you look up Beautiful Pictures of Persian Girls on youtube?
You should have looked at him and said, no duche, real mean wear Rolex. Then put your era bud back in and go back to what you were doing.
King douche is awesome! Too bad you prob won’t have any more adventures with him.
You might get a kick out of this…
http://www.s2ki.com/forums/index.php?showtopic=722892
That’s when you looked at him and said, “Real men don’t get brazilian waxes.” Roasted.
Just ask him if his parents own a strip club. Some shitty local dive..mention you saw him there. Ask him if thats where he gets the money go to to med school.. :P