My name is Brad. I am a writer, I am awkward in social situations, and I spend a lot of time in coffee shops trying to escape all of the terribly distracting things I find at home (video games, movies, tv, cats, comics, vitamin water, robots, etc.). I rotate amongst local coffee shops throughout the week so that no single location becomes too familiar with my presence. Spending any appreciable amount of time in one place is bound to make you privy to the occasional odd situation, but I have come to believe that coffee shops are breeding grounds for weird. The following is my account of the wonderfully weird and horribly awkward situations I have encountered.

A Robot Sent From The Past To Steal Our Megabytes.

I’ve been dreading writing this post because I’m worried that my, despite the fact that I call myself a writer, I won’t be able to capture the oddity of this particular situation. Keep in mind, while I paraphrase what I said to her, I was writing down what she was saying verbatim, as she was saying it, in her words.

While on my maiden coffee voyage as an LA resident with my friend Mr. Matt W. we sat at the last table left in the Starbucks. It was near a woman sitting with her laptop, talking on a bluetooth headset. She kept spouting off random tech lingo combined with random numbers, so I jumped the conclusion that she was a robot. While that may have been just an assumption, here are some of the other things she said on her phone…

Robot Lady: “What about MySpace? Does that take meh-ju-bytes?”
Robot Lady: “I have my blueberry right here.”
Robot Lady: “Do you know where Google is?”

After a bit, I got tired of listening and put on my headphones. That’s usually my signal to the rest of the world that I’m not in a social mood. Robots apparently don’t understand subtle signals like that because moments later I heard something faint…

Robot Lady: “Hey… hey… hey!”

I removed my headphones and look up to see Robot Lady staring at me, and pointing at a USB device plugged into her laptop.

Robot Lady: “Do you know this thing? It’s a stick. I get the internet anywhere in the world.”
Brad: “Oh, wow. I just use the Starbucks internet.”
Robot Lady: “I don’t know if you heard me… I was talking about meh-ju-bytes.”
Brad: “Oh.”
Robot Lady: “Whatever I’m doing on the internet is using meh-ju-bytes. It’s 20 cents per meh-ju-bytes.”
Brad: “Oh.”

I start to put my headphones back on, but…

Robot Lady: “I’m making money on the internet. Do you make money on the internet?”
Brad: “No. I don’t make any money.”

I finally went back to my work. But just for a bit, before…

Robot Lady: “I’ve got a blueberry… or blackberry.”

At this point I seized an opportunity. I quickly brought up the camera on my phone, held it up, and took the picture seen above as I said…

Brad: “Oh. I’ve got an iPhone.”
Robot Lady: “Does it get Google?”
Brad: “Yeah, it gets Google.”

That’s when she started talking about her phone plan and said…

Robot Lady: “I’ve got minutes for when I’m on business and then I don’t have to worry when I’m in pleasure.”

Yup… “When I’m in pleasure.”

She left a few minutes after that, but the damage had already been done. I don’t know what it was about the conversation, but it completely ruined any further productivity for me that day.

I’m beginning to realize that Orange County was the minor leagues when it comes to crazy.

Creepiest. Shirt. Ever.

I’m not one to start talking to people that I don’t know. Though some of that policy stems from my crippling lack of social skills, I also generally don’t like bothering and/or hitting on people as they do standard activities that shouldn’t involve fending off strangers. Getting coffee is one of those activities.

Some people don’t feel that way. I watched as a Creeper walked up to a woman with a baby and proceeded to make odd noises at the baby, pet it, tickle it, and talk about how “mature” it looked. As the Baby Creeper tried to talk to the mom about his own 6 year-old daughter, the women got her coffee and left, posthaste.

That’s when Baby Creeper talked to a fairly unresponsive baristo named Greg.

Baby Creeper: “Greg, I need a shirt that says “I have a 6 year old. I am not a stalker.” The mom seemed kinda weirded out. He had such a funny face. So mature. I just had to get a peek at him.”

Don’t get that shirt.

So, By… Gayness Then?

I overheard a Man who was, I believe, making the transition from digital to analog with a new friend that he met online…

Analog Man: “Well, you said there are some pictures that you look better in than in person… I happen to look better in some pictures than I do in person. You’d laugh and say, “you never looked like that!” My own mother says that!”

Some mundane conversation passed, then…

Analog Man: “Fort Lauderdale? I hear it’s one of the gayest places in America, so congratulations. No, not percentage wise.”

“From The Gay Movie?” “No, From Batman.”

Okay, so there is having little knowledge of pop culture, then there is just living under a rock…

Informative Man: “You know that guy, Heath Ledger? The actor?”

Carl from Up!

Nothing clever. This guy just looked like Carl, from the Pixar movie, “Up“. Being that this was at UCI, guys that looked like Russell were a dime a dozen.

I Wonder If They Notice When I Take My Laptop In There Too?

Did you know they track your time spent in the bathroom at Starbucks? Well, they do. And did you know caffeine is a natural laxative? Well, it is.

Baristo (to Barista): “He’d go in the bathroom for half an hour. This is a small place. If you’re not out here, we know you’re in the bathroom.”

Tic-Tac-Cow.

Get it? The chair was leather?
Oh… you got it?
Why didn’t you laugh?
Yeah, you said it’s funny, but that’s not the same as laughing.
Oh, yeah… I guess so.

Lot Rage.

I am of the belief that when you get a parking spot, you should be able to leave at your leisure.

Well, Hummer Soccer Mom doesn’t agree.

After a woman purchased her coffee-related drink, she left. I didn’t think anything of it until I heard honking outside. The woman was sitting in her car (in the first parking spot) enjoying her coffee-related drink as a soccer mom in a bright yellow Hummer was waiting behind her for the parking spot honking.

The woman, bless her, stayed in the spot at the Hummer Soccer Mom honked eight more times, separated by about 30 seconds each. This is all happening in a fairly empty parking lot. There were tons of spots not 30 feet away.

What would have be an extra 10 seconds of stress-free walking cost this woman a solid four minutes of pure anger-ridden parking lot anxiety.

She probably didn’t need coffee.

I Live My Life Trying To Avoid Situations Like This.

While getting my change from the Barista, my dollar accidentally dropped into the tip jar. There was an awkward exchange of glances. Though no words were spoken, the eye-conversation went like this…

Barista Eyes: “Should I leave it in there?”
Brad Eyes: “I’d rather have it back.”
Barista Eyes: “I can’t read your eyes very well. Do you have a soul?”
Brad Eyes: “Can I have my dollar now?”

She slowly removed the dollar from the jar. I wasn’t getting my hand anywhere near that jar. She handed it back and promptly left.

The ironic bit is that had she not been so clumsy to drop my dollar, she’d probably have deserved a dollar tip.

Just kidding. But I probably would have left it if she was hot. But she wasn’t.

More Exclamations = More Success!!!!

Adam had a whole binder of success planned. The sad part is that Adam saw me taking a picture of his binder. He flipped it over to face away from me. I felt like a dick.