My name is Brad. I am a writer, I am awkward in social situations, and I spend a lot of time in coffee shops trying to escape all of the terribly distracting things I find at home (video games, movies, tv, cats, comics, vitamin water, robots, etc.). I rotate amongst local coffee shops throughout the week so that no single location becomes too familiar with my presence. Spending any appreciable amount of time in one place is bound to make you privy to the occasional odd situation, but I have come to believe that coffee shops are breeding grounds for weird. The following is my account of the wonderfully weird and horribly awkward situations I have encountered.

More Exclamations = More Success!!!!

Adam had a whole binder of success planned. The sad part is that Adam saw me taking a picture of his binder. He flipped it over to face away from me. I felt like a dick.

I’ll Take A Uni-shot Espresso.

The unibomber was sleeping outside of Coffee Bean. That is all.

What Came First, The Guinea Pig or The Cage?

A Teacher sat with Another Teacher discussing her class pet, which was a guinea pig…

Teacher: “Guinea pigs are from South America.”
Another Teacher: “Oh that’s weird. They’re actually from somewhere? I just thought they were some sort of domesticated something.”

The conversation abruptly changed topics after that.

Old Ladies Love Cats. Young Ladies Love Old Ladies.

I love when people fall into stereotypes. I don’t know if it’s because I find comfort in my limited wold view, if it feels like life is imitating a movie, or if it’s just so typical it’s funny. Still, sitting next to Old Ladies and listening to them talk about their cats and playing Bridge was infinitely amusing. I didn’t catch anything too interesting about Bridge, but I did jot this down…

Old Lady: “My cat Remmington is just so affectionate and lovey. And have you ever seen a cat with an overbite? Cutest thing you’ve ever seen!”

The Old Ladies actually ended up talking to me for a bit about all sorts of things, but mostly about the way things used to be. It was very stereotypical and sweet. And the icing on the cake was that once they left, a girl my own age started talking to me because she thought it was cute I was talking to the Old Ladies.

Thank you, Old Ladies. And yes, I have seen a cat with an overbite.

Girls: 2,345, Brad: 1.

I’ve mentioned before that I don’t like talking on my phone for any extended amount of time while in a coffee shop. I’ve also mentioned that there are always hot girls around. Most always, anyway. Anyhow….

While waiting for an important call, my phone started to vibrate in my pocket. Knowing that it was going to be a longer conversation, I jumped up for the door and reached my hand into my pocket just as an Attractive Girl had packed up and was leaving. My urgency brought me to the door just as she was grabbing the handle. She stopped and smiled at me.

Attractive Girl: “Hi.”

Brad holds a blank stare while making eye contact and slowly pulling his phone from his pocket, and raising it to his ear.

Brad (into phone): “Hello?”

Attractive Girl’s eyes went wide and she walked out the door. She laughed and muttered something to herself as she stepped off the curb. I took my call.

Attractive Girl now knows what it’s like to be me.

I’ve Got a PhD in Internet.

Two guys on laptops were sitting across from each other at a study table…

Laptop Guy 1: “Did you see her on my profile?”
Laptop Guy 2: “I didn’t see your profile.”
Laptop Guy 1: “Why aren’t you accepting my friend request?”
Laptop Guy 2: “What?”
Laptop Guy 1: “I can’t believe you.”
Laptop Guy 2: “Well, were is it?”
Laptop Guy 1: “Oh, you didn’t tell me you were tangoMD2008… Alright, gooooot it. Now just click ‘yes’.”

Laptop Guy 2 clicks ‘yes’.

Laptop Guy 1: “So, did you see fatty?”

Bluedouche.

Douchey Guy walks up to the counter to order.

Douchey Guy: “Did he ask you?”
Baristo: “Ask what?”
Douchey Guy: “Did he ask you!?

Douchey Guy points at the douchey device in his ear.

Douchey Guy: “I’m on my phone…”
Baristo: “Oh.”
Douchey Guy: “Did he ask you to meet at my house on Saturday?”

People in line wait for conversation to finish.

Bill And Zach’s Excellent Adventure.

How do you know when a bro answers the phone?

Cellular Bro: “Hello?… Zacharonious!”

GIVE ME ESPRESSO IF YOU WANT TO LIVE!

So there I was, in Starbucks minding my own business when Lonely Guy sitting across from me by himself goes into a stroke-like blank stare and mutters, “Arnold” under his breath. I was fairly certain I’d just witnessed someone develop Alzheimer’s in front of my eyes, until he finally got out what he was trying to say…

Lonely Guy: “Arnold is here!”

I guess it was not a tumor. Lonely Guy was right. Arnold Schwarzenegger walked in with a posse, ordered a double espresso, had a chat, then left. He didn’t even say he’d be back.

Alright, I’m done with the Arnold references…

ICE TO SEE YOU!

More pictures:

The Apology.

I’ve been neglecting my posting duty. I know. I’m sorry. If it makes you feel any better, the reason I haven’t been writing here is because I’ve been writing things actually related to my career. I’ve still been having weird coffee experiences, and I’ve still been taking pictures and making notes. I’ve just now finally had the time to finally write out all of the posts formally.

I’ve got 26 posts loaded in the cartridge, compiled from experiences over the last three months. They’re set to be posted one per afternoon for the next 26 afternoons, which should lead us straight up to 100 posts just days before the one year anniversary of the site, and also the… Coffee Awards!

Check back often. Comment when you can. Sorry about the occasional typos.